DAY 84: TRYING TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO DO THE RIGHT THING GRATITUDE!

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There was a wide. shiny yellow moon lifting herself up languidly over the east side of Lake Minnetonka tonight She was so big and inviting and luscious that I could have easily plucked her out of the sky, taken her home and slept with her. I wanted to, but I was too busy skewering myself over my latest self-perceived verbal faux pas.

Sometimes, I am the most annoying person I know on earth. If I were my own roommate,  I would kick myself out. So in the spirit of  full disclosure, in an attempt to help me release myself from all that no longer serves, and stay present in my body AND, be grateful for it, I am announcing  that today, almost over, such as it is, Central Time no less, is a freebie.

In spite of all of my efforts, perfection still eludes me.  I still ate all of the Fettuccine  Alfredo even though I wasn’t remotely hungry . I still can’t muster up the smarts to link my charities to my blog posts. What is going on in the world? I still haven’t called Mimi back. What the hell am I writing about anyway?  I wish I hadn’t said the things that I said at the end of class. Does anyone actually care?

O.K., I’m done. Phew….

Bring on tomorrow.

 

 

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DAY 83: GRATITUDE TRANSFORMATION!

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I totally love this, and so appreciate my Facebook friend and fellow Yogi Aaron Warren for posting it.

Much to reflect upon….

Much to teach from…..

Much, so much, left to experience…..

Big Namaste!

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DAY 82:DAILY GRATITUDE LIST!

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(Gratitude in Sanskrit)

  1. Perfection is relative.
  2. I have so many beautiful people in my life.
  3. The 3M workshop group is amazing.
  4. I don’t like brownies.
  5. Private client customer base is growing like wild fire.
  6. I might add Yoga walks to the summer repertoire.
  7. I told my mind to stop chattering, and it did!
  8. I’m alive and strong as hell, maybe stronger.
  9. I don’t ask why so much anymore.
  10. I’m starting to jive with this love thing.

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DAY 81:NO/GRATITUDE

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I’ve said no a lot lately. No to dating guys I didn’t feel like going out with, no to classes I didn’t have time to teach, no to foods I didn’t feel like eating, no more to toxic people, no, just no, absolutely not, no. And as you can see, I’ve been fairly emphatic about it. Sure, there’s that flutter in the top of my breastbone every single time I do it; kind of like the downward swoop of a roller coaster, if I rode them. Mostly, there’s just peace, and space and a deep sense of connection to the authentic vulnerable, venerable me that I denied for a really long time.

It’s becoming a habit, a self-care practice that I incorporate into my daily life that feels a lot like the freedom that I have stitched onto the wide-open cracks of my sometimes achy heart. No has power behind it; it means no to shame and regret and guilt and for me even bitterness, resentment and overindulgent obligation. No is my True Self expressing itself in the moment whole-heartedly open to whatever manifests in its wake.

No can also mean Yes. Yes to unconditional love and sharing and partnership and peace. Yes to growth and progress and energetic expansion. Yes to the previously unfathomable dream, to the second or third cookie, to my body’s desire for a nap. No makes room for the lusciously lithe and deeply seductive yes of my imagination. The place where my passions and my dharma and my essential nature converge so powerfully that I believe there is no idea too impossible to realize no happiness too great to be unfurled, no true love that cannot be expressed.

Deep gratitude to No. May it forever be a part of the limitless, joyful, peaceful and free to be me, me….

 

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DAY 80: WHAT’S GRATITUDE GOT TO DO WITH IT?

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The Big Bowl closed early today because of Palm Sunday and I was really pissed. I love to eat Shrimp Panang Curry on Sunday night, and having my regular end of the weekend  ritual interrupted sent me into the kind of petulant tizzy that certainly flies in the face of gratitude. Face to face with my own hypocrisy, I regret to say that I did not amend quickly. It took me about an hour to right my ship, order a different $50.00 take-out, graciously guested by Bevie, and begin to be equally humbled and horrified by my own ridiculousness.

 I thought I started these gratitude posts 80 days ago because I felt that in my daily life I was not grateful enough. And like the lotus flower at the top of the post, my growth is essentially derived out of the muddy, murky, messy water in which I place myself. This afternoon, the mud was especially deep and I went there, mostly because I think I felt like it, or because sometimes that’s what I do, or maybe even, because I want what I want when I want it.

As I drove by Lake Minnetonka, a mere block from my house, on the way to pick up Indian, the water winked at me. It’s shiny surface rippled out and I saw the sky reflected back in what seemed like a million different moments opening up to a truth I had somehow ignored. I started these blog posts because I was grateful, and I am grateful and I wanted to partner with others to share in their gratitude as well. And I’m doing it, not perfectly, not filled up with my favorite Sunday night Thai, not even, surprise, surprise, to my own satisfaction, always. But I’m doing it.

And for that, I’m damn grateful!

 

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DAY 79:SCARED AS HELL BUT DOING IT ANYWAY GRATITUDE!

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It’s 10:00 am, Saturday morning, I’m performing the regular ritual, music, snacks, mats. My mind-chatter is on over-drive as I unload props, leaf through my notes, blabber away endlessly to my awesome workshop partner Renee. She recognizes the drill, has partnered with me on many a workshop, let’s me talk, process. She always agrees with me, knowing that no matter what I say, present moment awareness will kick in when the workshop begins and our natural rhythm will overtake any momentary uneasiness on my part.

How ironic, I think, that we are beginning an exploration of muladarah chakra.  The root chakra, the first chakra; located at the perineum, all about self-actuality, Who am I, embodied, addressing my relationship to existential fear:  Am I enough, just as I am, in this present moment? Today, as we unravel, we begin with asana, breath and inner awareness, waiting to witness what reveals. It’s a doozy of a session, all of us riding the wave of disequilibrium as we surrender into the journey of establishing a deeper relationship to our True selves.

This is muddy, murky, messy work. As we share in the room at the end of a long guided yoga nidra meditation, I remind everyone that this journey brings us back to ourselves with more joy, abundant peace, fearless freedom and a sense of limitless possibility that inspires to feel the fear and do it anyway. It takes consistent day to day practice and invites a variety of fears; old and new, resolved and unresolved, fresh and old as the hills. Bring snacks, I say, and maybe your favorite blankie, hold on tight to what matters and be gentle with yourself; the ride requires ample comfort. All growth does not have to be rooted in inexorable pain.

And so we grow, this 5th Saturday of 12. It’s real, raw and beautiful. How wondrous to sacredly meet, once a week, and uphold, support and love one another, in the moment, the best that we can. I harken back to two hours previous, scared, scattered and scavenging for help, I realize that the care began in that moment; I spoke and Renee listened. Such a simple exchange, so lovingly done, acknowledging my fear and inviting me to move forward intrepidly anyway. And so I did….

 

 

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DAY 78: SELF-CARE GRATITUDE!

selfcareThis is it, I think to myself, and then remember the emptiness of outcomes.

I’m tired …..

And realize, I am it!

Awesome, and enough….

Namaste!

 

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Day 77: LAYERED GRATITUDE…

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I arrive broken open. The room, familiar, unkempt, empty, a safe haven. I roll out my mat , set up the jukebox, cue up Pandora and exhale. It’s uncanny to ritualize a pre-beginning, such as it is, such as I am, suchness unraveling upon itself.

I’m thinking back to the conversation I just had with G, my youngest, so much achiness around my heart as I extoll his virtues to himself and he mimics me back regaling me with mine, so much unsaid, I feel. And yet in spite of all of it he is such an awesome person, thanking me for helping him to get into his first choice college, even though we both know it was all him.

It can be tender to love others, love oneself, feel it all and love ferociously anyway. But that’s my broken open life, the path I have chosen, the wavering world that wobbles around me is my greatest honesty maker. “Be who you are,” it whispers through the muted afternoon sunlight. “Everything that you have always been is ignited from the inside, fired up through your karuna, expressing itself in your infinite wonder and the hope that in that connection there is belonging and in belonging is an equanimity so grand that the enoughness of life transforms, inspires and surpasses all understanding, always

Dave walks in at 5:55. “Susan, this yoga thing has changed my life.” “Dave, you’re unfurling like a flower.” He smiles. Both of us broken open, we begin.

 

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DAY 76: GRATITUDE AWAKENING!

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O.K., I finally get it:

AWAKENING NOW by Danna Faulds

Why wait for your awakening?

The moment your eyes are open, seize the day.

Would you hold back when the Beloved beckons?

Would you deliver your litany of sins like a child’s collection of sea shells, prized and labeled?

“No, I can’t step across the threshold,” you say, eyes downcast.

“I’m not worthy” I’m afraid, and my motives aren’t pure.

I’m not perfect, and surely I haven’t practiced nearly enough.

My meditation isn’t deep, and my prayers are sometimes insincere.

I still chew my fingernails, and the refrigerator isn’t clean.

“Do you value your reasons for staying small more than the light shining through the open door?

Forgive yourself.

Now is the only time you have to be whole.

Now is the sole moment that exists to live in the light of your true Self.
Perfection is not a prerequisite for anything but pain.

Please, oh please, don’t continue to believe in your disbelief.

This is the day of your awakening.

 

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DAY 75: PHEW, GRATITUDE!

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And so we begin….I’m shocked by my own audacity.  Yoga Psychotherapeutics, the distinct blending of Yoga Therapy and Psychotherapy has been launched in a powerful new workshop, affectionately entitled 3M, that hints at transformative healing and promises a distinct opportunity to engage inner awareness.

Each of our participants are uniquely brave in their reasons for attending. It was a a doozy tonight (mot a yoga word). Please feel free to reach out to me if you are interested in exploring the yoking of mind body and spirit, the true union of yoga through the Manamayakosha, the psycho-emotional sheath.

It’s wonderful!

Huge Namaste and much gratitude to all of the newest 3M’ers.

And exhale, softening around all of the newly inherent possibilities revealed in the inhale.

And begin again……

 

 

 

 

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