It’s been a f*cking awful week, and it’s only Tuesday. I’ve done everything I need to do and I’m still arriving depleted, worn-out, and worst of all, completely uninterested. It’s been the kind of week where Bevie, normally my most loyal of sidekicks said to me: “Look, sometimes you take four steps forward and six steps back. It sucks, I’m sorry.”My only response is to worry the frayed edge of the seam of the couch with my index finger, hoping perhaps to ground myself to something less, well, honest.
The things I hold onto hold me back, corral my enthusiasm into a really tight bud, yoke me to my mind chatter, reinforce my incompleteness. I dabble for a moment and feel all the feelings; misery, resentment, anger, grief and the tender ache that I recognize as a trigger for self-doubt, a sure self-sabotage. But I don’t attach, I just watch and allow.
Out of the blue, somewhere from the ether of the opposite, my phone rings and my Champion-maker is on the other end. “It’s time,” she says. “I am more than f*cking ready,” I say back to her. And even in this rather audacious acceptance, a softening occurs, that long-awaited stillness at the bottom of the exhale; an upholding and uplifting, a connection and belonging, light where the dimness threatened to overshadow. I am undone, lit up, trusting, ready once more to walk one another home, knowing within the depths of my heart that she’ll be right there beside me, never letting go.
Stay tuned….I have picked a non-profit in St. Paul with whom I am hoping to generate a unique and compelling partnership. Details to follow as to how you can as well. Let’s light these candles together!