The Fifteenth Day: Slow, Subtle, Simple, Simmering……


“Everybody wants to rush through transition like it’s a bad root canal.

But transition is a threshold. It’s a sacred appointment—the crossing from

one world to another. There are promises, insights, revelations, and messages

during this time. You will not escape yourself here. You will not escape your deepest

questions. This is a blessing.”  Tama Kieves


This was always going to be the lull time, at least as I imagined it. I did all of these fairly typical mental preparations in my head, assessing the ratio of easeful, relaxed non-stressful days from my departure, and calculated with what I thought was unfailingly accuracy that my breaking point would be right about now. Today, I planned back in June, would probably be a day filled with regret, remorse and some need to reflect upon all other crazy decisions made in my life and how they had impacted at the time. I even watched A Streetcar Named Desire last night and really commiserated with poor Blanche; carted off to the mental institution, “depending upon the kindness of strangers.” I wept for her and semi-related.

How weird my ego’s hold can be on its desire to manifest this  journey with a healthy dose of blood, sweat and tears; how sure I am, how. in-the-know I feel I must be to keep the impending fears at bay. Like some intrepid armor-strapped soldier armed for the battle of my life, I approached Sunday August 2nd ready, willing and submissive to what I had anticipated would be my imminent self-absorbed breakdown.

And, nothing happened. I’m almost sorry to report, I had a really great day, filled with somewhat embarrassed self-recriminations about my own inability to trust my own process. I even spent some time trying to muster up something  negative, anxious, guilt-ridden around which I could wrap my brain, prove my righteousness, kick myself. Nothing. And here’s the real kicker, I don’t even need to understand what any of it means. I’m lolling around, taking walks, picking flowers, doing yoga on my mom’s front lawn,  succumbing to the seduction of a serious energetic  shift that has been a helluva long time in coming.

Kissed by my own consciousness, it’s like I’m on an extended date with my new Self and I am so so satisfied with the outcome. I think I am going to move in! Such is the nature of this transition, this slow journey from East to West; the gentle, loving support of so so many friends, the surprising encounters, my mom’s Sunday roast chicken with wax beans, that the time I would normally have had to ascribe to a self-created fear, has instead blossomed into a percolating love. Love of Self, Love of the journey and all of it’s subtle, sensuous sometimes sophomoric lessons and most especially this gentle, abiding love of others, wherever I happen to be.

I have a place to go now, deep inside of me, that is founded upon this old love before unknown made anew. I’m going to lean into it tonight, let it freshly prepare me for everything as yet unseen, unconscious, unfathomable. And be glad for all of it!


About livebig365

Join me as I dive in to the deep end of the pool and challenge myself to live big and love big. What does that mean? In 2012 , I accepted the invitation to push myself beyond my comfort zone, at least once a day, and engaged and responded to my life, or a given situation in my life, in a way that would normally scare the hell out of me. Why did I do it it? Because it was time time to begin, and I was ready! Each day brought a new revelation, lesson, challenge, encounter, a teaching moment, that revealed to me that living big and loving big are uniquely interconnected. Welcome 2013, the year of lovebig 365. Each post was an expression of love experienced, witnessed, inspired, manifested. It didn't always make sense in the moment, and yet its sheer mystery hopefully evoked a beautiful affirmation of life and all of its shimmery brightness; broken up, lovely to behold, tender and full of purpose. 2014, jagged, bumpy, disjointed posts. 2015, silence, and plenty of growth within that silence. Manifesting 2016: The creation of a gathering place for gratitude. Join in the wavering, audacious, unequivocal fun. 2017: Reflection 2018: POWER, MAGIC, TRANSFORMATION
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