I’ve been on the road now for a week. I have to say it has been awesome, the drive a reflection of where I am in the moment; lots of swoops and turns, unexpected vistas, stops along the way. I am struck by the sheer beauty of all of it; my senses on hyper-alert, I am noticing everything. And thinking a lot: Forging, remembering, becoming.
I’m struck by how much the experience of me being me, right up to this very moment was immediate and necessary, visceral, painful and felt to the core; expressing outward from me, this ferociously powerful wide light that cannot be stopped, no matter how afraid I sometimes am, might be, could become.
I know this fear, I think, I’ve been here many times before, hesitated, pulled away, braved a sideways glance. Somehow this time it is different; the fear of the fear feels different, not like fear more like faith or resolve or just a deep inner-knowing, forged by all the previous engagements. It has no real definition but unfurls deeply, audaciously, powerfully out of my heart.
It’s hard to do hard things, but worth it.
And suddenly I’m in my old Serenity space in Morristown, it’s wide shiny bamboo floors reflecting back an image of myself. G, Sasha, Seb and Dyl and I are all sprawled out and lazy, hanging out. It’s Saturday night, I think. I’m midway through a second glass of Merlot, waxing poetic about something or other I believe my kids need to know. And the lovers that they are, they half-way listen, knowing glances exchanged surreptitiously all around.
It’s a life lesson riff, but I’m gentler now, having come at long last to some kind of complicit, kind and gracious acceptance of myself. I don’t feel clumsy anymore, or angry or remotely disconnected. I just am, in that moment; my adult kids and I having an easy, swirly, special time. And it shimmers all around us.
Now, I’m back in my car, listening to NPR, headed towards the Hennepin County Library in search of a computer, letting the memories roll around in my head, wondering what’s next, hoping against hope that all that I am becoming can still be of service to all that I have been.
And this is the invitation, to open up to all of the feelings, feel them in the moment, as they are, breathe with them, watch them, notice and allow them, and then let them go; off into the Universe to join the myriad of other expressions of me that have allowed me to arrive right here right now in this moment, happy.