The Eighth Day: Spiritual Transformation……!

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I’ve been on the road now for a week. I have to say it has been awesome, the drive a reflection of where I am in the moment; lots of swoops and turns, unexpected vistas, stops along the way. I am struck by the sheer beauty of all of it; my senses on hyper-alert, I am noticing everything. And thinking a lot: Forging, remembering, becoming.

I’m struck by how much the experience of me being me, right up to this very moment was immediate and necessary, visceral, painful and felt to the core; expressing outward from me, this ferociously powerful wide light that cannot be stopped, no matter how afraid I sometimes am, might be, could become.

I know this fear, I think, I’ve been here many times before, hesitated, pulled away, braved a sideways glance. Somehow this time it is different; the fear of the fear feels different, not like fear more like faith or resolve or just a deep inner-knowing, forged by all the previous engagements. It has no real definition but unfurls deeply, audaciously, powerfully out of my heart.

It’s hard to do hard things, but worth it.

And suddenly I’m in my old Serenity space in Morristown, it’s wide shiny bamboo floors reflecting back an image of myself. G, Sasha, Seb and Dyl and I are all sprawled out and lazy, hanging out. It’s Saturday night, I think. I’m midway through a second glass of Merlot, waxing poetic about something or other I believe my kids need to know. And the lovers that they are, they half-way listen, knowing glances exchanged surreptitiously all around.

It’s a life lesson riff, but I’m gentler now, having come at long last to some kind of complicit, kind and gracious acceptance of myself. I don’t feel clumsy anymore, or angry or remotely disconnected. I just am, in that moment; my adult kids and I having an easy, swirly, special time. And it shimmers all around us.

Now, I’m back in my car, listening to NPR, headed towards the Hennepin County Library in search of a computer, letting the memories roll around in my head, wondering what’s next, hoping against hope that all that I am becoming can still be of service to all that I have been.

And this is the invitation, to open up to all of the feelings, feel them in the moment, as they are, breathe with them, watch them, notice and allow them, and then let them go; off into the Universe to join the myriad of other expressions of me that have allowed me to arrive right here right now in this moment, happy.

 

 

 

 

About livebig365

Join me as I dive in to the deep end of the pool and challenge myself to live big and love big. What does that mean? In 2012 , I accepted the invitation to push myself beyond my comfort zone, at least once a day, and engaged and responded to my life, or a given situation in my life, in a way that would normally scare the hell out of me. Why did I do it it? Because it was time time to begin, and I was ready! Each day brought a new revelation, lesson, challenge, encounter, a teaching moment, that revealed to me that living big and loving big are uniquely interconnected. Welcome 2013, the year of lovebig 365. Each post was an expression of love experienced, witnessed, inspired, manifested. It didn't always make sense in the moment, and yet its sheer mystery hopefully evoked a beautiful affirmation of life and all of its shimmery brightness; broken up, lovely to behold, tender and full of purpose. 2014, jagged, bumpy, disjointed posts. 2015, silence, and plenty of growth within that silence. Manifesting 2016: The creation of a gathering place for gratitude. Join in the wavering, audacious, unequivocal fun. 2017: Reflection 2018: POWER, MAGIC, TRANSFORMATION
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