The air of Minnesota, perhaps it’s particularly potent wafting off the waters of Lake Minnetonka, has rendered me boneless. Today I found myself in love with Bevie’s stubby, overstuffed, short sofa. I would lift my head or roll over onto one elbow and talk about the next leg of my Grand Adventure West. Occasionally, even, I would sit up, shoot a couple of e-mails to supportive friends, lie back down, think, just a little bit about all that I needed to do, people to contact, obligations to meet.
For a moment, or two, o.k. and once after lunch for three, I tried to convince myself that my list for myself outweighed my need to contemplate nothing. “Do something”, I think I might have said out loud at one point. But I didn’t, not once. I’m really grateful that I no longer adhere to the sharp rapping insistence of my ego on my heart. So much senseless chatter for so long kept me disconnected from the real me.
I recognize this self-sabotaging trait today as an old one, born out of some kind of anxiety ridden need to justify my existence through action, duty and accomplishment. I was only really someone, I believed, if I was doing, sometimes in spite of myself, usually at break-neck speed; yearning almost everyone around me, if possible, into happiness. The results of all that effort on my part were at best 50/50, but that didn’t matter; it was the way that I lived, loved, understood myself. And if I only just tried harder, were a little prettier, thinner, nicer, pick a word they all applied in my mind, maybe the odds would be more in my favor. Whatever the hell that might mean……
But today, thank God, for the most part, I check out my feet and breathe deeply; fully recognizing that the citta vritti, or chatter of my mind, is really an invitation to connect with and contemplate all of my soul’s deepest longings, not to get too freaky, but the essence of who I really am, an engagement with and discovery of my True Self.
Here’s what a day on the couch manifested, in no particular order of importance, for what it’s worth:
- Love really does overcome any form of fear. Always, every single time.
- I really enjoy hanging out with myself.
- Polenta cooked in organic chicken broth is fabulous.
- I don’t have to do to Be.
- Suddenly, at 51, as a result of oftentimes experiencing its opposite, I am truly happy; eager to live what true happiness reveals, in service to it, with a full heart.
- I am no longer alone.
The water on the lake is particularly smooth tonight as the sun sets. I am in awe at how kind Minnesotans can be. The young perky barista at Caribou offered me each canister of tea to sniff so that I picked the exact one to my liking, the lady across the table expressed a fascination with my purple laptop, some bushy guy held the door as I entered.
And the entire time, I was just being me.