Here are the lies I told myself: I am not good enough, I am not at all loveable, I will never have the life of my dreams, whatever that means. So much of who I was for a long, long time, in spite of outward appearances, accumulated accomplishments, trophy-looking kids, partner, houses, cars, money up the wazoo, great teeth; this Trinity of nonsense was what I lay down with at night, woke up with in the morning and reacted to throughout the day. The fierce heat of really living was too much for me. I shunned the consequences and rested on the laurels of a life well-created, semi-satiated, vacuously lived, at least in my mind’s eye. I was content.
And practicing and protecting that life at all costs became my mantra, my bhavana; a cloak of self-affirmation so prickly that, in spite of my discomfort, kept me stifled, subdued and semi-conscious, sort of half dead as I remember. It was my choice.
But the Universe, God, my Higher Power, perhaps the wild Vijnana within me had other plans; and no matter how hard I held onto the pain of who I believed I was, the insipid lies, the sheer stupidness of it, there was no getting off the whirling dervish ride of what my life was meant to be. And damn the consequences, stubborn willfulness, awful attachment to things that were not true. I was strapped in, and going down; such is the ferocity of my soul, the baring forth of who I really am, the shimmering , glimmering, swirliness of the Spirit of me.
This is not a story of a descent into madness, or even a discovery of the why’s, an unraveling of the unknown. I’m just not interested in that anymore. It is more a call to awaken to awareness within: To live; To release the fear and learn to love the love that I am and love the life that I live and love others as well, all of them, all the time.
In the Integrative Yoga that I teach, pain, the experience of psycho- emotional, spiritual and physical disconnects are actually invitations to their opposites. The magic of yoga is really the release and resolution of the citta vritti, the chatter of the mind, to connect, conduct and create at the Anandamayakosha, the Bliss sheath., the essence or spirit or life force of who we all really are. Bliss and its quivering accomplices Peace and Freedom are my new truths.
This is the way I choose to live every day, no longer in the lies; good enough, belonging, loving, living the life of my dreams. The Trinity of who I am today is seeped in what my friend Sister Kathy Flanagan would call the perichoretic love of the in-dwelling three. I am shining incandescently, wrapped in that unfathomable love. It’s holy, like the earth, or the meadow that I look out upon as I write these words, or my daughter’s smile, and my smile back.