DAY 113: FEELING SOMETHING WITH CERTAINTY AND TRYING (DESPERATELY) NOT TO INTERFERE WITH THE OUTCOME….

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So I’m back in the dating game, frankly beginning to be introduced to some gentle, sincere and genuinely fun and interesting guys. In my 30 plus years of adulthood, this is a new phenomena, and I do not know how to feel or behave.

It’s not that I feel I’m not ready for this, nor is it about not knowing who I am, my hesitation really and truly revolves around a simple lack of solid practice. It’s been so long since I earnestly gave a damn about connecting with a guy, that now, when I find myself in the present moment with such an opportunity, I don’t know what the hell is the right thing to do. Plus, if I’m really honest, nice, decent guys have rarely been a part of my limited repertoire.

My shout outs for help to some of my lovely female friends has caused more consternation than confidence. The majority of them, in their 40’s and 50’s don’t remember how to behave either; they smile wanly and tell me to have a good time, relax, and they are excited for me.  Thank you, I think to myself. I’m just trying not to fuck things up.

And therein, I believe, lies the kicker. I’m so afraid of failing, again, that I’m completely disconnected from myself. And I know, just from living my sometimes hapless oftentimes happy life, that if I stay in this vein I won’t really be me, and I’ll try to control the situation and interrupt the flow of the graced magic because of fear and an insecurity that doesn’t really have too much basis in reality.

I don’t want to be that person, anymore, ever, thank God; and I’m grateful for that awareness and hope like hell that I can cede into some kind of acceptance and action that will bring a joy and peace to this particular area of my life. I’ve wanted to be interested for a long long time. And I am; and once again……

I’m going for it!

Big Loving Namaste!

 

About livebig365

Join me as I dive in to the deep end of the pool and challenge myself to live big and love big. What does that mean? In 2012 , I accepted the invitation to push myself beyond my comfort zone, at least once a day, and engaged and responded to my life, or a given situation in my life, in a way that would normally scare the hell out of me. Why did I do it it? Because it was time time to begin, and I was ready! Each day brought a new revelation, lesson, challenge, encounter, a teaching moment, that revealed to me that living big and loving big are uniquely interconnected. Welcome 2013, the year of lovebig 365. Each post was an expression of love experienced, witnessed, inspired, manifested. It didn't always make sense in the moment, and yet its sheer mystery hopefully evoked a beautiful affirmation of life and all of its shimmery brightness; broken up, lovely to behold, tender and full of purpose. 2014, jagged, bumpy, disjointed posts. 2015, silence, and plenty of growth within that silence. Manifesting 2016: The creation of a gathering place for gratitude. Join in the wavering, audacious, unequivocal fun. 2017: Reflection 2018: POWER, MAGIC, TRANSFORMATION
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