So I’m back in the dating game, frankly beginning to be introduced to some gentle, sincere and genuinely fun and interesting guys. In my 30 plus years of adulthood, this is a new phenomena, and I do not know how to feel or behave.
It’s not that I feel I’m not ready for this, nor is it about not knowing who I am, my hesitation really and truly revolves around a simple lack of solid practice. It’s been so long since I earnestly gave a damn about connecting with a guy, that now, when I find myself in the present moment with such an opportunity, I don’t know what the hell is the right thing to do. Plus, if I’m really honest, nice, decent guys have rarely been a part of my limited repertoire.
My shout outs for help to some of my lovely female friends has caused more consternation than confidence. The majority of them, in their 40’s and 50’s don’t remember how to behave either; they smile wanly and tell me to have a good time, relax, and they are excited for me. Thank you, I think to myself. I’m just trying not to fuck things up.
And therein, I believe, lies the kicker. I’m so afraid of failing, again, that I’m completely disconnected from myself. And I know, just from living my sometimes hapless oftentimes happy life, that if I stay in this vein I won’t really be me, and I’ll try to control the situation and interrupt the flow of the graced magic because of fear and an insecurity that doesn’t really have too much basis in reality.
I don’t want to be that person, anymore, ever, thank God; and I’m grateful for that awareness and hope like hell that I can cede into some kind of acceptance and action that will bring a joy and peace to this particular area of my life. I’ve wanted to be interested for a long long time. And I am; and once again……
I’m going for it!
Big Loving Namaste!