So, I have days whereby even though I believe in the words written on the above post, I find it really difficult to live by them. I have an attitude that genuinely embraces the f-word and forgiveness. I get stuck, frankly, in other people’s attitudes and behaviors, how they swirl around me, how I wish sometimes that people that I love, people I have forgiven, well and truly, were just….different.
I know, stupid and perhaps even egotistical, definitely judgemental, and, at its heart, reflects an inability to deeply trust in the moment. There’s still a desire to control inherent in my behavior; a need to see the outcome all the way through to a conclusion that will satisfy me. Even though, I have learned, that such a desire on my part usually, if prescribed, engenders a much weaker end result.
Forgiveness has honestly cracked me open in such a way that my life does not even really resemble anything that I ever imagined for myself. It is such a tender experience to set aside and dispose of all of the negative and painful experiences attributed to someone else and even, quite honestly to myself, and to love anyway. And the love is expressed without a desire for outcome. That’s a tough one sometimes, and yet, I have learned through experiencing forgiveness’ opposite, fear, that there really cannot be any other choice for me if my desire is to live a wide open, spirited and deeply connected life.
And so I continue to practice forgiveness, on a daily basis, sometimes in spite of myself, because I know that it is absolutely the best and most complete way that I can live. And with the people I love and those who love me back, there is a vulnerability to our relationships together that bestows a courage and sometimes even a compassion in its loving expression that surpasses anything I could have ever imagined or hoped.
Big Loving Namaste!