I took the night off tonight. Played a little bit of hooky from a church meeting I was supposed to be attending. Honestly, it felt beyond fabulous to sink into the gentle cocoon of the cruise liner and just hang out with my quirky self. I don’t believe I had extended the glad hand of appreciation to my own sweet self for a really long time; so hyper-vigilant and overly involved in being me, I had kind of lost the joy of well just being me.
I get the seeming redundancy of the above-expressed statement, nevertheless, it really bears invoking, so self-absorbed have I been in trying to become comfortable far outside my comfort zone. That’s right, and I apologize if it is kind of disappointing to read, but I still have these moments where I say to myself. “what the f*ck are you doing?”
I have not come up with any obvious answers, yet I’ve trudged along anyway, knowing somewhere in the deep recesses of my heart that something unfathomable would/will manifest as a result. Plus, I’m making my Mom so proud. And my kids, although, quite frankly, it’s a little harder to decipher with them. And then there’s me, and here’s a bit of a kicker, I’m kind of proud as well.
And it suddenly dawns on me, that feeling proud before the end result, quite honestly the words way before are probably closer to reality, more than suggests that I’m irrevocably changed. I’ve transformed, been reborn and shined up to express a lighter, brighter more assured version of me. And I really really like her (Me)!
Is this joy? Not sure, but I believe I’m damn close, and if truth be told, it’s so far removed from the delusional yet long aspired to white-picket fence version of a life that I had imagined, that I’ve made a decision to turn it over to the Universe and trust and move on. Wow, shift number two.
Today in my funky group class in Fairfield, I facilitated bliss, or I guess as a good and proper yogi I should say, the intention of bliss, by inviting my fearless and faithful students to take themselves beyond their comfort zones in thought word and deed on the mat and to try asana that they had never previously attempted. I promised, and this was a bit bolder than I perhaps should have been, that ananda could be accessed as a result of confronting the fear inherent in adverse situations and moving beyond it; raising the roof on the fullest expression of their most authentic selves, while breathing, of course.
Each and every one of them came along for the tender slightly messy ride, and I believe felt not only the better for it, but also some bright untarnished joy. Or maybe it was soft and muted joy. I’m not sure it matters, just that the connection was made, and the joy was felt; opportunities can open up as a result. Life can really change for the better. I should know, it is in this fashion that I attempt to live each and every day. And I’ve more than felt at least something like joy, and I have, of course, changed.
Joy unfolding from adversity. Good reminder as I begin to build the co-op team for the livebig365 Serenity Space. I’ll need to flag this post down when I am straddling the edge of doubt or fear or remembrance of shitty things past.
I’ll also remember taking a couple of shaky people into handstand for the first time, watching their arms lock in, energy extending from their fingertips to the top of their toes, yet somehow knowing that they had experienced joy in their accomplishment, pride in their efforts, even while unsure where the f*ck they were going. And it’s in that connection, me to them, and out to the Universe, spiraling freely and without reserve, that pure unadulterated joy can resplendently manifest.
Big Loving Namaste!