This blog post could just as easily been entitled: Living outside of my comfort zone and trying really hard to believe in it. I must confess, that the end of this year has been so chock a block full of new opportunities to expand and grow that I have spent most of my free time in full blown retreat. The truth is, I’m afraid, not completely confident, or perhaps the word is sure, about the direction I have chosen to take and I find myself, literally, lying on the cruise liner hoping for a break in the anxiety.
I’m not sure these feelings have a whole hell of a lot to do with reality. In fact, I know that living outside of my comfort zone is exactly the place that I have leaned towards, even dabbled in, all year. Nevertheless, I now have the chance to literally leap out of the nest of this year, completely ready to fly, capable of great feats of exploration even, and I’m well, it bears repeating, just plain scared.
I think fear resides in my head. It really does indulge the itty bitty shitty committee to its maximum output. Fear forecasts outcomes completely without any basis in reality or previous experience. It nips at my heart, demands an expression, usually of negativity, and is just not where I feel like f*cking residing, really ever.
Fear is a good reminder though, of how far I’ve come; it offers an opportunity to reflect on the circuitous and sometimes seemingly impossible route I have already circumnavigated. It gives me an occasion to give myself a grand congratulatory slap on the back, a literal hug of gratitude to the heart, for hanging in there and keeping on, even when belief in myself kind of hung in tattered shreds around me.
I’m saying yes and that’s it. I’m moving forward with a somewhat clear-cut plan, a lot of genuine enthusiasm, and the surest of convictions that on a day to day basis absolutely everything is going to be ok. I can only liken it to the 55th to 75th seconds in a timed handstand; shoulders aching, brain screaming, I breathe and hang on with a hell of a lot of hope.
Wishing me luck as well, and love, of course; lots and lots of love.