“In order to take yourself to the next level, the place where you are at often needs to be broken down. That can be an incredibly uncomfortable process. It can get very cramped inside of an egg when you’ve already sprouted wings. And being your egg, there is a certain level of attachment, sometimes fierce, for what you call home. Fortunately it doesn’t all have to be done today. Just start pecking at it.” Gil Hedley
One of the ways that I now livebig:
A year ago, I wouldn’t have been caught dead on my ex-husband’s couch. Succinctly, I hated him; everything that he had done, undone, not done. I considered him to be the literal albatross I had to wear around my neck; a sort of stupidity badge that I earned as a result of decades of besotted denial. I wanted as little do with him as possible.
And as empowering as I believed this attitude to be, as justified as I felt my righteous anger might have been, as validated as I was by an enormous swatch of well-meaning supporters, I was imprisoning myself.
It’s really impossible to be married to someone for over 20 years, have four children with him, a messy life that surrounded all of us and just neatly and angrily walk away forever. There’s no permanent mind-wipe, self-help book that can eliminate the memories, yoga class even that can lessen the sharpness of a life lived for so long with so much with someone else. There’s just, in my opinion, too deep a connection, a significant fissure of experience like the ring around a tree ingrained in my soul, that just does not evaporate; it needs to be acknowledged, thought over, felt through, and ultimately honored in a new and unfathomable way.
So last night when I found myself on Rupert’s couch, listening and gently agreeing with him about the direction of my life and my business and the ways that he could help me, I was grateful. Really and truly grateful, and kind of overwhelmed, to be at a place in my life, in spite of all the shit that we had been through separately and together, to ultimately be at peace with my new relationship with Rupert and my intention to remain connected to the loving spirit of it as I moved forward.
I don’t have any idea why the whole damn thing has worked out this way, but I trust it. Why? Because it was so painfully and completely earned by both of us. Because, as good friends, we have developed a gentleness of communication that never ever existed in our marriage. We are considerate, loving and deeply respectful; and most importantly, our hearts are devoted to helping our children live in adulthood as joyful, productive, mature people and we know that getting them there is a challenging job best done by both of us together.
I’m expanding my business, I’ve grown wings and I am flying out of the nest, taking more and more chances, believing in myself and beginning to fly. It’s scary, and I sometimes doubt myself; and yet in those moments, I reflect on all the good deep work I have already done that has helped me to arrive where I am today: Not angry or self-righteous or so closed off and bound up that flying would have been beyond impossible. I’m loose, flexing those wings, sometimes checking in with a former co-pilot, knowing he has my best interest at heart and that he wholeheartedly supports my soaring.
Ain’t redemption grand? No matter the form or shape; it’s humbling to surrender, let go, and feel the generous up-wind buoy me and propel me forward.