“As human beings we share a tendency to scramble for certainty whenever we realize that everything around us is in flux. In difficult times the stress of trying to find solid ground-something predictable and safe to stand on-seems to intensify. But in truth, the very nature of our existence is forever in flux. Everything keeps changing, whether we’re aware of it or not.”
(Living Beautifully with Uncertainty and Change)
For a really long time in my life I forecasted for the future on a minute by minute basis. It wasn’t even that I was disconnected from the power of now, I honestly had no real concept of what present moment awareness meant. I lived in my head, created a reality that worked for me and was constantly trying to control what would happen next and what the outcome would be when it happened.
There’s plenty of ways this, dare I say, totally delusional choice of living could be diagnosed, I’m not sure that really matters now. Nevertheless, I am 100% sure that it manifested out of deeply rooted fears of being discovered to be completely unworthy of, well everything, as well as the shame of having to deal with the revelation of the me I perceived myself to be as a result.
I make these declarations now because years later, the slate has been wiped really clean, and I no longer live in that stifling, narrow space in my mind. But I do believe it is important to, not only remember that time in my life, but actually honor it. Yes, really!
There are many moments throughout my life whereby doors are opened and invitations to grow, learn, expand and transform are offered, and it becomes my choice to incline towards that expansive offering and live big, or to decline. To honor the me that I once was is a recognition of that desire to evolve and to grow; transcending my limited misconceptions and leaning in to hope, messy beauty and profound tenderness.
For quite a while, acceptance of the invitation was a 50-50 thing. I didn’t know how to say yes to big living because I lacked a strong trust muscle, a real sense of self. It took a long time to surrender, let go and truly deeply be vulnerable, and open myself up to the wonder of the present moment, and the real freedom that accepting the sweet grace within that opportunity revealed itself to be, over and over and over again, if I let it…
I thank God that I finally and completely did. And that I continue to, in stillness with humility, every single day.
I understand now, deep within the fibers of my being, that my life begins with me. And how I choose to be and with whom, about what, the when and the where of it also begins with me. And I’m grateful for it, enjoy gently expressing it, love living lovingly within it: I trust Me!
I trust myself because I trust my great big battered heart; and I believe that the spirit of me that emanates out of this gracious trust burns a bright shimmery light that can never ever be extinguished.