Well, I turn 50 in less than two weeks and I’ve been feeling kind of jittery about the whole damn thing. I’m not afraid to hit the mid-century mark, (I plan to live to 100), it is more that I feel pressure. I wish I could state this was a new attitude, unfortunately, it is not. And I’m really annoyed by it.
I don’t think anyone who reads this blog would be surprised by my willfulness, and yet oftentimes I am. I sometimes still get caught in an upsurge of desire to have things work out the way that I want it, when I want it that is so strong it wakes me up in the middle of the night. I am having one of those weeks. I’ve chosen today to explore the reasoning behind it differently this time.
I’ve been offered an awful lot of good fortune and opportunity since I made the decision to return to New Jersey after my father died in 2011. I’m amazed at the way in which my dreams and desires, coupled with an awesome amount of support and hard work, has asssisted me in manifesting this great new phenomenon known as livebig365. I’m grateful enough to say that the concept, as it has so far been developed, is helping quite a few people both on and off the mat.
I’m responding to a call fr0m the Universe, leaning in to the light and moving downstream in ways that have felt oftentimes exhilirating and sometimes baffling. The direction is never simple or easeful; and yet I have found that as soon as I release myself from the worry and fear that can sometimes engulf me as a result of feeling out of control, everything blossoms as it is meant to…..There’s a lot of hope in this statement.
I’m on that edge again, in fact I feel like I am the edge, reaching out into a vast universe of unknowns with a sprinkling of voices inside of my head calling me forward; and the assurance that taking a chance and believing in all that has already manifested has certainly proven to be a judicious and smart decision so far…I’m going with my gut and investigating avenues and ways to take my company in new and exciting directions and possibly to a greater audience with a community emphasis.
But I am the edge, possible with all of the miracles right inside of me, more than capable, even in my vulnerability, of going for it (whatever that means) in my own unique and funky way. And here’s what I know: I can ask a lot of questions of the good people around me all along the way, and I will receive all of the help that I need. I am motivated by love and a fervent desire to express that love outward, always, in any capacity I can; and frankly, why the f*ck not?
That wasn’t a blase statement. My life is meant to be lived as me, fully and inspirationally, one day at a time; and I want to keep it living it and growing and evolving in this shimmeringly lovely direction. I’m afraid but I’m edging out beyond my edge as an edgemaker anyway….Because I can and because I believe in my heart, no matter what, that it will manifest some kind of wonderful good.
Thanks for the support. I really appreciate it.