My marriage was a lot like the above posted math problem. It was mixed-up, crazy, full of a kind of energy that had a lot of earnest purpose and passion behind it, but ultimately did not make very much sense. I make this statement with some trepidation, on reflection, as I really don’t want to disparage a single moment of it, even the most painful of times, of which, toward the end especially, there were many. I have learned and continue to learn, so much from all of it.
What I don’t believe it was lacking in, rather ironically, was love. That doesn’t mean to imply that Rupert and I treated one another lovingly, nor do I mean to suggest that we are in some lip-smacking swoony, please forgive me as I really didn’t know what I was doing kind of relationship now; it just means, I believe, that we did really love each other, and, as I have rather recently discovered, still do have a deep and abiding love that swirls all around us whenever we are together.
For a long time, pre and post divorce, that love emanated out of me resembling something quite a lot closer to white hot hatred. There were a lot of reasons why that particular feeling might have been justified in the moment; but at the end of the day it was still intense and blazing and really just looked like, and felt like, love turned upside down, broken and despairing.
The difference between then and now, as I have again learned in time rather bittersweetly, is that the relationship that we now share is rooted in an unwavering unconditionality, partly borne out of experience (after all, after 26 years we both pretty much know where all the bodies are buried), combined with a deep appreciation for the sheer wonder of having emerged out of all of the turmoil we created with a tender capacity to set things aside and live in the pleasure of the present moment; there’s always today and today and today…
How does this happen?
We had to forgive each other: Simply, Sweetly and Completely. For ALL of it!
It takes time and it’s one day at a time.
And it’s better and grace-filled and replete with the kind of awesome indecipherable love that I have learned is boundless and ever-present; continuning to amaze, transform and inspire a lot of wonder and sweet sweet hope.
A Big Huge thanks to all of you for hanging with me this month. It’s been a wild and wooly ride. LOVE IS…..
On to August and Kripalu!