This post is partially inspired by the following poetry fix Youtube by the awesome Mary Karr, and by thoughts and longings that have been roiling around inside of me that I am trying to unravel and make manifest.
Here’s the video:
Lately, I have felt some tugs on my heart as a result of living alone. It’s not that I don’t like it, because most of the time I do. It is more that I am sometimes bowled over by it; like a bigger wave than I expected washed over me in the ocean and I arrive sputtering, discombobulated and sand-laden on the edge of of a new shore, really far from where I started, out of breath yet ready to stand up and wade in again!
And the motive and enthusiasm to jump back in emanates from a sincere and earnest desire to positively connect with others. The truth is that for many years in my life, especially in early and middle adulthood, I didn’t really take care of the relationships in my life that were valuable to me. I kind of treated them the same way I did sofas that I found comfortable and easy to relax upon; I just believed they would always hold up and be there for me. I didn’t nurture or comfort or covet even, the specialness of the connection I had to people that I really cared about. And I can honestly say, with some remorse, that I miss those relationships a lot now. I really wish I had taken better care.
Maybe it is because I am approaching 50 and life seems to be whizzing by at such a crazy pace that I sometimes cannot fathom all that I have experienced and accomplished on a day to day basis; and maybe it’s also because I have learned how to slow down each day and appreciate the moment and really live within it; and maybe it’s also because my dad died last year and I still miss him every single day, that I am resolute about being absolutely positively on the compassionate loving side of connection in each and every relationship that I enter.
And I’m talking about everyone here; old connections and new, professional and personal, those who scare me and those who love me unconditionally, friends, old lovers, past enemies, those that have done me right and wrong. I am making sure that I care for them in the exact same way that I care for myself; with an open, completely forgiving, non-judgemental and honest loving heart.
I really and truly believe in the old adage that life is short. And I want to make the most of all of it. My life is manifested uniquely and distinctly in loving and inspired relationships with all of my others, not some of them, but all of them. The real kicker is that the quality of those relationships begins with me.
I have reached a point in my life where I kind of see it as my mission to put out lifebuoys in my swimming pool; offerings of love and care, to let the tarantulas in my life know that not only am I there for them but they really and truly matter to me. Because they really and truly do. (If you haven’t watched the youtube, you won’t get that analogy)!
Sacred connection makes my life worth living. It transforms me and lights me up in a way that invites me to believe in a Power much much greater than myself. I’m glad I learned this lesson. And it came about, as most of the hard-earned one’s for me do, through much awareness, acceptance and action, coupled with, quite hilariously, a lot of prayer and meditation on the cruise liner alone.
I’m casting my buoys forth, sometimes hour by hour, minute by minute, moment to moment, earnestly seeking all connections. At the end of each day, when I am alone in reflection, it is the sacredness of the possibility that exists within those simple engagements that offers me the hope and the energy to move lovingly forward; opening up to the unknown, immanent and deep deep possibility in transcending toward all of my vibrant relationships, always eagerly anticipating the next and the next and the next.