I was listening to the awesome Jane Lynch Commencement address from Smith College yesterday, (I highly recommend it, thank you Michelle). Towards the end of the speech she was speaking really honestly about how easy she felt, at the age of 50, that it was for her to sabotage her own significant relationships in her life. She said that sometimes she felt like breaking up with herself. The comment stuck with me, even though I really didn’t want it to, so I’ve decided to troll around in it for a little while and see what emerges.
I have to say, that even though it has taken me a helluva long time to get here, I’m finally able to take full responsibility for the way in which I conduct myself in loving relationships in my life (behavior), the manner in which I enter into them (motive), and most importantly how I communicate what I need when I am in the relationship (honesty). Most of the time! For me, lovingly and responsibly engaging with people that I care about is some of the best and the most arduous work that I do.
For a long time, I could just blame a sincere lack of ability; I didn’t really know myself, didn’t really understand the other person, everything got convoluted in-between. But after awhile, especially after my whole life completely changed, materially, emotionally and psychologically during and after my marriage, I really had no excuse other than to put the focus on myself and begin the process of really and truly learning how to be me lovingly and authentically engaged with others.
For me this process, although fairly simply stated is something I have to practice day by day. I use some of the most trusted tools in my toolbox; prayer and meditation, yoga on and off the mat, and the support of some trusted, trusted friends. I want to be in loving relationships with people that I love. I want to feel the fear, gut wrenching as it can be in the relationships that I am in, and do it anyway. I believe in my heart and believe in the power of human connection and feel compelled towards others as an expression of the divine within me. In short, I want to go for it; each and every time I am invited to enter into relationship, be me without fear and believe.
And I think that I am finally doing just that. There is great freedom in being me, and awesome power in humbly connecting with others and graciously opening up to the possibility of transformation, renewal, forgiveness, acceptance and true, true love. I’m going to stick with it; one day at a time and open myself up to all of the possibilities that continue to manifest, break me open and invite me to express my true self completely, uninhibited and whole.
May the Big F*cking Force continue to be with me!