Nestled amongst the yoga mats and the Deet mosquito repellent in my suitcase are the following items in no particular order: eye cream, tinted moisturizer and toner, shampoo and conditioner, body wash, Crest 3D whitening toothpaste and an electric toothbrush, Replenish contact lens solution and 2 extra sets of contacts, Sure deodorant, Trader Joe’s Lavender Body Oil, shaving cream and a razor, face wash, sunscreen spf 50, and some makeup. Lots of stuff that I use in my everyday life, some of it twice a day, without even thinking about it.

I don’t feel guilty about bringing the whole enormous pile of  it to Haiti, nor do I feel particularly awkward about keeping my regular hair coloring appointment at Bloom 2 days before my trip. But I will say this, it’s got me thinking, and something is gnawing at my heart and I’m going to try to unravel a little bit from it tonight.

I was born into a long line of women who cared a great deal about their appearance. My mother, after all, was a fashion runway model for Saks 5th Avenue in the late 50’s. And even though she said it was a fairly unglamorous job, I’ve seen the pictures, she was, and still is, really awesome looking. Although I didn’t inherit the looks, I am genetically predisposed to the importance of appearance and I like to look good and feel my best in almost every situation I walk into.

I don’t think how I look is going to matter at all when I get to Haiti. In fact, the entire concept of being focused upon appearance prior to my departure really reveals how much fear of the unknown I have, and how this small accumulation of material things is meant to represent a defense against that trepidation; as if whiter teeth might keep the butterflies at bay!

It’s funny how a journey into such a new and unexplored place could uncover such wildly unprepossessing defects of character. Again, I’m not finding fault with myself, I’m just shocked by my response to that which I do not know and have never experienced before. I can’t truly believe that a well-dressed, manicured and coiffed self will really make a difference in Haiti. Can I?

The answer is obviously no. Nevertheless, it does seem rather ironic to me that I am bringing the appearance concious Susan into the picture two nights before my departure. I can only conclude that fear plays a part in it, and I just want to be able to rally myself with my regular stuff in order to feel comfortable before I go.

I think this whole trip is going to be a life changing experience; and to be honest that is a pretty daunting prospect for me. And even though when I first started this blog I invited the universe to open me up to the opportunity to Live Big on a daily basis, I honestly thought, at this point in the game, that I might be blogging about colonics and zip lining with G as the high points. Bringing yoga to rape trauma victims in Port au Prince Haiti reveals the poverty of my imagination and explodes transformation to levels I had never ever conceived.

So that’s why when you see the uploaded videos, which I hope to be able to produce, from my Free phone provided by Verizon, I hope you’ll understand the red lipsticked me. I don’t know how else to be but who I have always been. I hope it’s enough. I will arrive broken open, with an open heart, hoping to be helpful and to fully manifest my deep felt intention to be a loving empathetic member of this diverse and lovely global family.

Thanks to all of you already for upholding me, and stay tuned!

About livebig365

Join me as I dive in to the deep end of the pool and challenge myself to live big and love big. What does that mean? In 2012 , I accepted the invitation to push myself beyond my comfort zone, at least once a day, and engaged and responded to my life, or a given situation in my life, in a way that would normally scare the hell out of me. Why did I do it it? Because it was time time to begin, and I was ready! Each day brought a new revelation, lesson, challenge, encounter, a teaching moment, that revealed to me that living big and loving big are uniquely interconnected. Welcome 2013, the year of lovebig 365. Each post was an expression of love experienced, witnessed, inspired, manifested. It didn't always make sense in the moment, and yet its sheer mystery hopefully evoked a beautiful affirmation of life and all of its shimmery brightness; broken up, lovely to behold, tender and full of purpose. 2014, jagged, bumpy, disjointed posts. 2015, silence, and plenty of growth within that silence. Manifesting 2016: The creation of a gathering place for gratitude. Join in the wavering, audacious, unequivocal fun. 2017: Reflection 2018: POWER, MAGIC, TRANSFORMATION
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  1. Robyn says:

    WOW Susan!!! I’m so very impressed and humbled by what you are offering the world. I look forward to hearing and learning from your Journey. Living BIG my friend!


  2. AnnieT says:

    I will be thinking of you!! And sending you love as always! Stay safe my friend and have a wonderful journey…..


  3. Mary Jane says:

    I so get the if I look okay, everything will be okay method! Thanks for showing me what it really is – another defense against the scary world. You’ll do great in Haiti, with or without the red lipstick!


    • livebig365 says:

      Thanks Mary Jane. I really appreciate the support. Looking forward to going and also to being back and raising some money for some women and children who need it!



  4. Cheryl says:

    I had to explain to my hairdresser why I was crying as I got my hair cut and colored the day after we returned.


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