I have always fancied myself a pretty great communicator. I thought the defining characteristics were fast head and even faster mouth, and in both categories, I scored off the charts. I didn’t really, in the whole communication game, ever consider the other person. For me, it was all about me, what I felt I needed to say and the clever way in which I would deliver the information. And if that wasn’t good enough, I believed that the person or people that were on the receiving end would know what I meant even if I didn’t say it quite properly or say it at all.

When I read those sentences now, it comes as no surprise to me that I am divorced. Now I am not saying that my marriage ended because of my inability to really communicate well, (there were a lot of extenuating circumstances), but I think that I am saying that the dissolution of any of the significant relationships in my life were well supported by my inability to be who I really was and speak honestly and courageously from the heart.

There were two fundamental components to effective communication that I clearly lacked: I just never believed that I needed to be responsibly engaged with myself when I communicated with another person; and I also never ever took the time to listen or really acknowledge, the importance of the other person with whom I was communicating. In other words, I was an irresponsible and immature communicator who perceived listening as an unecessary impediment to the consistent flow of my directive.

I’m happy to say that I no longer need to perceive myself as a great communicator, because I know, especially the closer that I am to the person, that I am not. I struggle sometimes with the right words to wrap around the emotions that I am feeling. I am not always so sure about my needs in any given situation and how I can ask them to be met. I am afraid sometimes that if I say out loud my dreams or desires that the expression of them might actually cause them to evaporate or the relationship to dissolve, ether-like into the universe.

And I know that not only are these appropriate awarenesses to have about myself; they are also better out than in. I’ve expressed out loud tonight in my most authentic voice possible because I would really like to become a better communicator. I have so many lovely gentle heart-felt things to say, and I want to be able to state them clearly and proudly to the people in my life that I really really love. And more importantly, to listen completely, fully engaged in the moment, to what they say back.

For me, it is within this back and forth exchange that I truly and completely experience the God of my understanding. I am upheld in relationship and it is a wispy, ephemeral joyousness that buoys me up, propels me forward, and inspires me over and over and over again to be the very best person I can be.

About livebig365

Join me as I dive in to the deep end of the pool and challenge myself to live big and love big. What does that mean? In 2012 , I accepted the invitation to push myself beyond my comfort zone, at least once a day, and engaged and responded to my life, or a given situation in my life, in a way that would normally scare the hell out of me. Why did I do it it? Because it was time time to begin, and I was ready! Each day brought a new revelation, lesson, challenge, encounter, a teaching moment, that revealed to me that living big and loving big are uniquely interconnected. Welcome 2013, the year of lovebig 365. Each post was an expression of love experienced, witnessed, inspired, manifested. It didn't always make sense in the moment, and yet its sheer mystery hopefully evoked a beautiful affirmation of life and all of its shimmery brightness; broken up, lovely to behold, tender and full of purpose. 2014, jagged, bumpy, disjointed posts. 2015, silence, and plenty of growth within that silence. Manifesting 2016: The creation of a gathering place for gratitude. Join in the wavering, audacious, unequivocal fun. 2017: Reflection 2018: POWER, MAGIC, TRANSFORMATION
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