I struggled a little bit over the last week with a behavior pattern that I am now, thank God, aware of, but also frustratingly attached to still during low points in my life. I don’t think it will come as any surprise to people who know me that the default position is always inside of my head. I imagine, while I’m experiencing it, and I hope this doesn’t come off as too freaky, as if I were in a house of mirrors inside of my brain and all around me is my self-righteous self. Actually, having just re-read the last sentence, even I think it’s a little freaky, but what the hell, here I go, diving into the deep end……
I am never ever ever right about anything in my life when I am in this place. EVER. But I make up some pretty wild scenarios, most meant to keep me in a victimized or woe is me kind of existence that propels me even further into the sad sad state of my existence. I don’t know if any of it sounds familiar, but it is fortunately now a way of thinking that I recognize as an old coping skill that has always harmed me and kept me trapped in this dispirited egotistical state of barren nothingness.
And it is an ego driven fearful place to be. If there is something or someone, an event or a circumstance that I don’t understand, I can flip on the switch of control that is my ego and begin to see the “truth” from so many different angles inside of my head; and I am then fully justified within the jagged discomfort of my own proud thinking. Demented, I know, but a way of being that I often dabbled in when I felt alone or tired or angry or even hungry. I am grateful today to be able to see it as just fear-driven, reactive, head-inspired thinking, that I now put down, because I know I know how; I trust in my own heart.
So with a deep exhale, almost as if I have reawakened from the deeply redemptive place within savasana after a rigorous yoga practice, I renew my commitment to my new way of life by doing things and engaging with people in the joyful happy way that spirals out of my heart. I think it’s love, purely and simply: Love of self, and a deep and abiding love for all of the others who have passed through, and are still involved with me in my life. I have been released from the unfun house of mirrors that I used to imprison myself in from time to time. And the freedom to be and live and love has opened me up in such unfathomable fashion that oftentimes I don’t really know what to do other than to hang on for the next great swooping turn.
WOW, BIG STUFF!