I don’t know about the rest of you, but for a large portion of my life I was really into trying to manipulate what was going to happen in almost any situation, in any part of my day, before it happened. I was fairly famous in my family for literally wrestling my present life to the floor, trying to place it in some kind of a stranglehold , that would assure me a, I don’t know, future that I could recognize, before it was even remotely on the horizon. It was exhausting, unsatisfying, frustrating work that belied a craziness that I can only now reflect upon without shame.
You see, I was just so fearful of the worst possible scenario that I tried to do everything that I could to avoid the worst possible scenario and as a result, arrived at the absolute worst possible scenario, (repetition necessary), and absolutely positively couldn’t f*cking believe it.
And it was in that moment of complete and total panic and sheer incredulity that my life opened up, kind of like those crepusculean skies at sunset, and this graced beam of light, beckoned me forward, out of my fear towards a more hopeful and peaceful future. I can’t say that I really recognized, at that exact moment, that my life was anything other than the dreaded pain that I had always feared, but I can assure you now that it was pure and refreshing purpose and possibility, unfurled in front of me; I was just too blind and scared to see it and feel it.
The journey from myopia and control to expansive and inspirational trust and faith has been edgy, dynamic and full of the kind of spiritual lessons that continue to challenge, test and rock me to my core more often than they reward. I have been honed into a leaner, grittier, quieter and gentler self; well-loved, filled to the brim with fun and light, patient in the face of an as yet to be determined future.
That doesn’t mean that I don’t live hard, dream big or believe that the biggest and best of my aspirations will not manifest. I absolutely know that they do. My present existence in all its swirly beauty is such an example of that. I just don’t need to control any of it anymore. I have fully detached from the desire to know what is going to happen or even, how I am ultimately going to understand any of the end results of my life as they emerge, blossom and envelop me on a regular basis.
I will say this, letting go of the outcome has given me the kind of unabashed freedom to focus on my present moment in such a way that it has become unloosed; so much so that I perceive the energy of it as this enormous awesome coinhering light. My life is unboundable, its forward momentum joyful and limitless. It is living at my highest most authentic level and any and all dreams and desires can and will be realized.
Let go I say to myself, regularly and often. I release my fear into the universe and let it be swept up into the infinity of its own expansiveness, ever reminding me that my physical life here is short, and I have so much left to be think and do. I’d best get to it, remaining steadfastly in the day, buoyed up by this unique present moment, carried to the next and the next and the next by my gratitude to a grace that knows no boundaries.