I had it brought to my attention tonight, by a really good friend, that I had not really paid attention to something that was extremely important to him. My first reaction was the real and honest one: “I’m sorry, I had no idea.” I was struck immediately by the ease in which I said what I said, and the relative grace in which he received it. Such a difference from previous relationships in my life. To be able to be in a safe place with someone I care about and openly declare that I just didn’t really know: Totally blissful, quite frankly, and I laughed out loud from the sheer joy of it.
How many times I wondered had I previously held onto a general feeling of unease and insecurity after stating that I just didn’t know. In fact, so afraid was I of those three words for such a long time, that I believe, I wasn’t even constitutionally capable of uttering them. I guess, to be honest, I was afraid that if I said I didn’t know, that the knowledge to figure it out just wasn’t there for me, I might have to actually admit to being vulnerable, unsure and generally just completely uneasy about life and my role in it.
So incredibly grateful I don’t operate in that vein any longer!
In the spirit of not knowing here’s the top four things, that used to hold me back regularly in no particular order, that I am now OK not knowing at all:
- Other people’s motives
- What’s going to happen tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow…
- The outcome of anything before I start it. I have my dreams and desires, but controlling the outcome is not my M.O. at all anymore.
For now, I am content, resting in the freedom to be detached from knowing. Love really is enough!
Big Thank you to MM for opening me up to this one.