It’s crazy to me sometimes how much of my life has revolved around me trying to stuff my square peg of a self in to a round hole. I had to get a passport picture taken earlier this week for my trip to Haiti. I had my old passport with the photo taken 12 years earlier. The photos are so dramatically different that even the guy who took the picture asked me what had happened that would cause me to look “so much more alive.” I laughed and made some kind of joke about being unencumbered and free. It got me thinking though…
So, it’s Easter and I’m really physically aching from the Yoga Certification yesterday. I spent all morning in Easter services, (G sang twice), trying to stretch quietly and unobtrusively in the pew, giving up and finally just all out flexing everything I can, molding my square self into the square space. It feels good to be who I am. I’m wondering about redemption and thinking, today of all days, that maybe that’s part of the gift I’ve been given.
I do believe that I have been released from a bonded self. Honest to God, the passport pictures bear it out in the most concrete of ways. There is definitely a lightness of self that has taken place, almost as if my body freed itself from itself and my spirit is shining through. It makes sense to me today as an Easter experience and I’m really grateful to be in a place in my life where I can receive it.
There’s mystery here, and something that swirls around the idea of loving trust and how I manifest that in my life. I believe too, that the immediacy of redemption on Easter Sunday is so much more visceral because it follows so quickly after the extreme and harsh realities of Maundy Thursday and Good Friday. All symbolic moments for me, nevertheless firmly rooted in the way in which I’m becoming the person that I was protecting myself from being.
There’s no longer any reason to hold back myself from myself. I’m out there, angles exposed, taking it one day at a time and really and truly going for it, whatever it reveals itself to be. And this is good stuff; redeemed and released I am freshly renewed, flowing forward, offering up the best square self I can be. I ache, but it’s a good ache, redemption has so much free floating freedom. I’m climbing on board and riding it out, as far as the wild and wooly universe will take me.