I began this month with the idea and the hope that I would be completely transformed by my encounters and engagements with the many people, places and things in my daily life that sometimes magically appear, and oftentimes emerge out of the ether of my experiences, as if they have always been there, and it is the first time I am noticing. It’s a really really weird thing to have so much of the, for lack of a better description, big shit, that I had hoped would go down actually present itself fully, and many times be absorbed as new energy, into my heart, almost at the exact moment that it was meant to.
I have done some really big things this month; encountered and created new and unique yoga business ventures, been on some really fun and frolicking dates, sat with sadness and emerged on the other side of it, been brave in the face of some really tough adversity, stayed on budget, expanded through the heart and met myself face to face full on, and been so pleased with the encounter that I am ready to do it again the next day, fresh revived and excited.
I had tried to publish a post at 9 pm tonight, it was a doozy, that evaporated as I pressed the Publish button. It’s kind of ironic as it was a post about encountering the fullest expression of the new me, from the heart, through a long overdue meeting I had with my ex-husband. I will try to relay the significance of the experience again, at this late hour, in the most authentic fashion that I can.
When we arrive at the backbend sequences in the asana practice on the mat, I often tell my students that this is the place where courage and vulnerability meet. It is a compassionate place where a swirly breathlessness, literally and figuratively, can take place as the heart begins to open and express outward all the newly created and refined energy thus far created during the practice. It’s quite an unbelievable feeling when instucted and subsequently practiced. It can be a moment of graceful union with the universe that can cause fantastic expansion and growth.
Today, through a graced and compassionate face to face meeting, completely unexpected and unscheduled, I had a gentle and compassionate cup of tea with my ex-husband, saw him for the person that he was and had chosen to become, exhaled deeply, and let go of the final residual resentments that had been lingering in my heart for such a long time.
I had been asking the universe to release me from that which no longer served me in regard to a man that I had loved a lot for a long time some time ago. And it came about as the sort of penultimate experience of the final day of this Big Big month in such a quiet profound fashion. I’m honestly amazed by the experience.
I sit now at my computer about to write from memory the same thing I wrote two hours ago. Perhaps it was meant to be repeated by me, reverified, imprinting itself into my very soul. Like the backbend, a new energy and truth expressed out and repeated through the poses as I begin to strengthen and become the Susan Perry that I have longed to be. I am strong, kind of like the mustard seed, parabled by Jesus as an expression of faith in God. This time though the faith manifsted is a complete belief and love in me for myself. I am so grateful to have had the opportunity to bear witness to it.
And it’s only the end of March!
Watch out April, here I come!