The last time I checked in with Yuri and Lara, Jimmy Carter was President. I can remember the exact time of year because the Iranian hostage crisis was coming to a head. I lived in London England at the time and the entire city, so diverse even then, was on edge and suspicious in a way that I had never previously experienced.
By the time I arrived in London, it was my third trip there with my family. And the American School in London was my 11th school in 12 years. Don’t get me wrong, this is not going to be some sad little post about the early challenges of my life. Truth be told, my family traveled in great style and lived in some fabulous European cities, and I have awesome memories and stories to tell as a result.
Nevertheless, I moved a lot and got used to moving a lot and craved change of place as a way of not having to deal with any of the really challenging aspects of my life that would crop up from time to time. Fight with a best friend, no problem, I’d be moving in a month, would lose touch with her after that and the relationship wouldn’t really need to have any meaning to me anymore. Or, math teacher my nemesis, no big deal, I’d eke out a c+ and hope for a better result with a new teacher in a new school in a new place; And so on, and so on, and so on…
I think what I’m trying to say by bringing all of this stuff up is that not really dealing with the reality of my life was an aspect of living that I brought into my adult life. Change of place became an agent of cure for me that allowed me to never really have to be responsible for my own role in any given relationship.
This time though, anytime a situation that involved challenge or confrontation arose, I would just institute that change through sheer force of will or sometimes outright manipulation or even, and this is the most insidious awareness, denial. And these ways of responding accounted for a lot of my behavior in challenging or negative situations in the significant relationships of my life for decades.
I know you are probably thinking at this point, what the hell does any of this have to do with Dr. Zhivago? Well, I reunited with the movie after more than 30 years today, and had a really great time doing it! And my almost 50 year old self saw the movie and myself in relationship to it in a whole new way. And boy was I grateful for that. Because this time, I was able to see how much I have changed in the ways in which I relate to myself in relationship and therefore relate to others that is so much more heart-centered and love-driven and assured.
I’ve been through a multitude of adeversities over the last 6 years, many of which may reveal themselves as posts for another day, that no matter how hard I tried to resist, I could not move away from either physically or mentally or emotionally and I really truly believe that I am a better more beautiful person for having had to deal with them and work my way through them.
How is this a big challenge you may ask? Quite honestly, I wrestled a little bit with the same question myself, wondering if this whole exploration would be too heavy or uninspiring or contrived. Truth is, I sat down opened up and started writing, and this is the post that emerged. And re-engaging with Dr Zhivago was the heart trigger.
I think that is evidence of a lot of trust on my part and for me, trusting the process and trusting myself and really truly believing that the result is already made manifest by the sincerity of the action, rooted in the real me, is a really BIG deal.
I’m going with it………