DAY 15: DR ZHIVAGO

The last time I checked in with Yuri and Lara, Jimmy Carter was President. I can remember the exact time of year because the Iranian hostage crisis was coming to a head. I lived in London England at the time and the entire city, so diverse even then, was on edge and suspicious in a way that I had never previously experienced.

By the time I arrived in London, it was my third trip there with my family. And the American School in London was my 11th school in 12 years. Don’t get me wrong, this is not going to be some sad little post about the early challenges of my life. Truth be told, my family traveled in great style and lived in some fabulous European cities, and I have awesome memories and stories to tell as a result.

Nevertheless, I moved a lot and got used to moving a lot and craved change of place as a way of not having to deal with any of the really challenging aspects of my life that would crop up from time to time. Fight with a best friend, no problem, I’d be moving in a month, would lose touch with her after that and the relationship wouldn’t really need to have any meaning to me anymore. Or, math teacher  my nemesis, no big deal, I’d eke out a c+ and hope for a better result with a new teacher in a new school in a new place; And so on, and so on, and so on…

I think what I’m trying to say by bringing all of this stuff up is that not really dealing with the reality of my life was an aspect of living that I brought into my adult life. Change of place became an agent of cure for me that allowed me to never really have to be responsible for my own role in any given relationship.

This time though, anytime a  situation that involved challenge or confrontation arose,  I would just institute that change through sheer force of will or sometimes outright manipulation or even, and this is the most insidious awareness, denial. And these ways of responding  accounted for a lot of my behavior in challenging or negative situations in the significant relationships of my life for decades.

I know you are probably thinking at this point, what the hell does any of this have to do with Dr. Zhivago? Well, I reunited with the movie after more than 30 years today, and had a really great time doing it! And my almost 50 year old self saw the movie and myself in relationship to it in a whole new way. And boy was I grateful for that. Because this time, I was able to see how much I have changed in the ways in which I relate to myself in relationship and therefore  relate to others that is so much more heart-centered and love-driven and assured.

I’ve been through a multitude of adeversities over the last 6 years, many of which may reveal themselves as posts for another day, that no matter how hard I tried to resist,  I could not move away from either physically or mentally or emotionally and I really truly believe that I am a better more beautiful person for having had to deal with them and work my way through them.

How is this a big challenge you may ask? Quite honestly, I wrestled a little bit with the same question myself, wondering if this whole exploration would be too heavy or uninspiring or contrived. Truth is, I sat down opened up and started writing, and this is the post that emerged. And re-engaging with Dr Zhivago was the heart trigger.

I think that is evidence of a lot of trust on my part and for me, trusting the process and trusting myself and really truly believing that the result is already made manifest by the sincerity of the action, rooted in the real me,  is a really BIG deal.

So,

I’m going with it………

About livebig365

Join me as I dive in to the deep end of the pool and challenge myself to live big and love big. What does that mean? In 2012 , I accepted the invitation to push myself beyond my comfort zone, at least once a day, and engaged and responded to my life, or a given situation in my life, in a way that would normally scare the hell out of me. Why did I do it it? Because it was time time to begin, and I was ready! Each day brought a new revelation, lesson, challenge, encounter, a teaching moment, that revealed to me that living big and loving big are uniquely interconnected. Welcome 2013, the year of lovebig 365. Each post was an expression of love experienced, witnessed, inspired, manifested. It didn't always make sense in the moment, and yet its sheer mystery hopefully evoked a beautiful affirmation of life and all of its shimmery brightness; broken up, lovely to behold, tender and full of purpose. 2014, jagged, bumpy, disjointed posts. 2015, silence, and plenty of growth within that silence. Manifesting 2016: The creation of a gathering place for gratitude. Join in the wavering, audacious, unequivocal fun. 2017: Reflection 2018: POWER, MAGIC, TRANSFORMATION
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4 Responses to DAY 15: DR ZHIVAGO

  1. Barbara Jolie says:

    I really like this Susan ….. that you noticed the change in yourself over the last decades of moving towards …..a more heart centered life .. .reminds me of the Proust quote about not seeking new landscapes but seeking new eyes to view the same vista, or something like that.
    I was really taken by the recent remake of ‘Dr Z’ with Keira Knightly and a lovely guy, Hans , it
    was very sweet and tender . You might like it.

    Like

    • livebig365 says:

      Hi Barb:

      Thanks for reading. I love the original Dr Zhivago and it was great to see it again. Keira Knightley distracts my attention with her ethereal skininess.

      Like

      • Barbara Jolie says:

        okay Ms. Humorous Siouxie , but I do believe that Ms.Knightly ate a few more
        sandwiches before this was filmed as I myself was not distracted by her
        anorexic nihilistic (or rather) existentialist tendencies (or is it0 non-tendencies.
        Well you get the picture, she was in good standing, and Hans Matheson was
        really quite fetching …. 🙂

        Like

      • livebig365 says:

        You are funny Bar. Thanks for the support.

        Like

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